The Return of Dustin Penner

NHL ASG 2015 Team Penner v MayorIt’s time. Dustin Penner is making his return to the world of hockey.

Before you get all nitpicky about the title of this article, just wait. It got you here, didn’t it? And who doesn’t love a good Penner story?

Since landing in Los Angeles back in 2011, MayorsManor has been one of his favorite stops. Although it was his Open Letter to fans on this website regarding hurting his back eating pancakes that brought the most attention – including being picked up by dozens of newspapers around the country, in the pages of Sports Illustrated, and shown repeatedly on television in Canada – there have been a plethora of other visits our readers have enjoyed even more through the years.

From his PennerMania shirts, to re-imagining his Kings teammates as pro wrestlers, to showing up in a hospital gown, to soliciting shoe sponsors, to poking fun at Drew Doughty, the fun just never ends with Penner.

Now, as the 2015 All Star Game Fantasy Draft approaches tomorrow night, he’s back. The two of us sat down to pick our own teams and decided to use a simple formula to ultimately determine a winner. Each of our teams will be awarded two points for a goal scored by somebody on our team, one point for each assist earned, and a minus point for every goal allowed by one of our goalies.

Not that surprisingly, Penner had a problem with this, right from the beginning.

“I see a couple of omissions on the list,” he said, referring the 42 players selected to this year’s All Star Game in Columbus. “For starters, myself and [Joffrey] Lupul aren’t on here.”

Well, if we’re just adding his friends to the list, what about Sheldon Souray?

“I don’t know where he is right now; international man of mystery,” Penner quipped.

Wait, didn’t he get married recently?

“Engaged,” Penner fired back. “If he got married already, I wasn’t invited.”

Fine. With that cleared up, it was time to pick teams. Being a gracious host, I offered to give Penner the first pick.

“What do you mean give me? Who has more Cups?”

And that’s the problem. He always holds the trump card in these situations.

We’ve edited out some of the back-and-forth that took place, but left in most of Penner’s commentary, as that’s what you came for. Here are our picks…

Penner: This is nerve racking. I’ll take Stanley Tucci. [ed note: Ryan Getzlaf to the rest of us.]

Mayor: Tyler Seguin

Penner: The guy is a straight shooter, huh? Well, who is Getzy going to play with? Who likes him? There probably aren’t a lot of guys. I’ll take the person most likely to drop out of high school, Drew Doughty.”

Mayor: John Tavares

Penner: What, did NBC tell you take him? He is having a great year, though. … The game is in Columbus, right? I think Kopi will feel pretty at home there. I’ve never been to Slovenia, but I imagine it’s much like Columbus. So, I’ll take Kopitar.”

Mayor: Nick Foligno

Penner: You sure Bettman is not in your ear right now?… We have forgotten about Crosby, haven’t we? He is guaranteed to get three points. I’ll take him.”

Mayor: Vladimir Tarasenko

Penner: Should I take a guy like Voracek? He is leading the league in points. Nah, I’ll take Claude Giroux.

Mayor: Tyler Johnson

Penner: Are you trying to lose? (laughter) I wasn’t sure if I was missing out on some sort of an inside joke. … I think Shea Webber is going to have his legs because he isn’t traveling far from Nashville. He’s just going to jump on a bus, so I’ll take Weber.

Mayor: Ryan Johansen

Penner: Which one can we not put in a cab, Toews or Kane? I’ll take Jonathan Toews.

Mayor: Oliver Ekman-Larsson

Penner: You have some sort of agenda here, John, I just don’t know what it is. … I don’t trust guys with two first names, so that eliminates a few of these guys. Porn stars it’s OK, but not hockey players. I like Phil Kessel. I’m going with Phil the thrill.

Mayor: Rick Nash

Penner: Wow. (long moment of silence). I’m going to take Ovechkin. Hahahahahaha.

Mayor: Zemgus Girgensons

Penner: ‘Sounds like I’m not going to work here anymore.’ [Office Space reference]. … I’m going to take Dustin Byfuglien because of the late Pat Quinn. The only time I’ve ever heard somebody called a buffalo head was when Pat Quinn yelled it at him from the bench, ‘What are you looking at, buffalo head?’

Mayor: Jakub Voracek

Penner: I played hockey with Brent Burns in Vegas and he thrives in these types of situations, where he can just run and gun – and on little sleep and little nutrition. Give me Burns.

Mayor: Patrick Kane

Penner: Make sure he has an Uber. … Steven Stamkos

The picks continued, as we rounded out our teams. I ended up with guys like Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Duncan Keith, and Corey Crawford.

Penner’s chirping continued throughout – “Do you watch Star Trek? I’m taking Shattenkirk.” … “I’ll take Luongo for his twitter presence.” … “Give me Jaroslav Halak because I had a lot of fun drives with him back from the airport last year in Washington.”

Also, somewhere along the way, Penner took Bobby Ryan – breaking his own rule of guys with two first names.

We later decided that the actual winning coach of the All Star Game (Peter Laviolette or Darryl Sutter) would be the tie breaker in our contest. In what shouldn’t be that much a surprise, Penner again thought he should be able to pick first. He took Sutter – whom he claimed he was texting immediately following our draft to wish good luck.

The final teams are as follows:

TEAM MAYOR

Forwards
Zemgus Girgensons – Buffalo Sabres
Patrick Kane – Chicago Blackhawks
Nick Foligno, Columbus Blue Jackets
Ryan Johansen, Columbus Blue Jackets
Tyler Seguin, Dallas Stars
Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Edmonton Oilers
Filip Forsberg, Nashville Predators
John Tavares, New York Islanders
Rick Nash, New York Rangers
Jakub Voracek, Philadelphia Flyers
Vladimir Tarasenko, St. Louis Blues
Tyler Johnson, Tampa Bay Lightning

Defensemen
Oliver Ekman-Larsson, Arizona Coyotes
Mark Giordano, Calgary Flames
Justin Faulk, Carolina Hurricanes
Duncan Keith – Chicago Blackhawks
Brent Seabrook – Chicago Blackhawks
Erik Johnson, Colorado Avalanche – injured, replaced by Aaron Ekblad, Florida Panthers

Goaltenders
Corey Crawford, Chicago Blackhawks
Marc-Andre Fluery, Pittsburgh Penguins
Brian Elliott, St. Louis Blues

TEAM PENNER

Forwards
Ryan Getzlaf, Anaheim Ducks
Patrice Bergeron, Boston Bruins
Jonathan Toews – Chicago Blackhawks
Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings
Patrik Elias, New Jersey Devils
Bobby Ryan, Ottawa Senators
Claude Giroux, Philadelphia Flyers
Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins – injured, replaced by Johnny Gaudreau, Calgary Flames
Steven Stamkos, Tampa Bay Lightning
Phil Kessel, Toronto Maple Leafs
Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals
Radim Vrbata, Vancouver Canucks

Defensemen
Drew Doughty, Los Angeles Kings
Ryan Suter, Minnesota Wild
Shea Weber, Nashville Predators
Brent Burns, San Jose Sharks
Kevin Shattenkirk, St. Louis Blues
Dustin Byfuglien, Winnipeg Jets

Goaltenders
Roberto Luongo, Florida Panthers
Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens
Jaroslav Halak, New York Islanders

Check back on Monday for the final results.

MORE GREAT STUFF FROM PENNER:

Penner reimagines the LA Kings as pro wrestlers

Dustin Penner pushing Dean Lombardi towards PennerMania

Doughty and Penner bring the jokes to outdoor game presser

Penner’s Summer Comedy Tour

Is Dustin Penner planning a heel turn?

IMAGE PREPARED BY: Indiana Matt

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Comments

  1. gkg since 86 says:

    Good hook! Nice article.

  2. ECHL Mafia says:

    That was pretty cool. I am little concerned that other blogs are throwing his name in the ring to “fix” the Kings….I think it is Mike Richards trying to deflect some of the heat he is taking!!!!

    Also, those white jerseys were ugly enough already….didn’t need Penner’s mug as a logo!!!!

  3. tkecanuck341 says:

    I’m with Penner…are you trying to lose? Crosby, Toews, Kopitar, & Stamkos all on the same team? Doughty, Weber & Suter? Price? Add Duncan Keith and John Tavares in there, and those would be my first 9 picks.

  4. And immediately upon hearing he was drafted by Pennercakes, Crosby decided to miss the game with an “upper body” injury!

Trackbacks

  1. […] • He’s baaaack: Dustin Penner talks with The Mayor. It’s everything you love (or love to hate) about Penner and more. [Mayor’s Manor] […]

  2. […] you may recall from the original article, Penner was convinced I was trying to lose, or at the very least, he admitted to not understanding […]